Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.