We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
We’ve all been there
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.