captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
IT’S-A ME,
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.