you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!