Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?