my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.