ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.