‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.