Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
This dude got his own movie?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex