How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME