If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I need to get some bricks…
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
#FunnyLife Insects
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie