911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
You Might Also Like
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.