People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
just left a huge legacy in there
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.