You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.