GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
…u ok Nintendo?