In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Not all heroes wear capes….
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!