Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school