The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Worth remembering.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Webb. James Webb.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE