Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
You Might Also Like
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE