The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo