[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
house sitting!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
So glad we cleared that up
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!