When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts