You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
🤣🤣🤣🤣
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.