[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids