With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Trumpy Cat
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.