I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
*exercises sarcastically*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
3% human
97% stress