Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.