Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
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Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.