My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.