If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
When they try to steal your moment.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot