Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
How do you milk an almond?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
For the ones in the back.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*