“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Incredible customer service.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
CRYING
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.