british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
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“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
meanwhile over on facebook
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.