Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
You Might Also Like
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.