Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
🤣
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
no regrets
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*