[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Oops
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something