It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
i actually laughed 😩
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow