If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
shut up and take my money
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.