I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day