I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
shampoo implies shampee
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife