me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.