Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.