[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
You Might Also Like
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
are there any atheist mantises?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*