Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
You Might Also Like
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”