Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
You Might Also Like
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
become ungovernable
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.