Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You Might Also Like
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?