My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
titanic
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.