Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.