“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
this is how life feels
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
#NoRestForTheWicked
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Pat is about to own someone
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”