My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.